So to start things off (after a couple years of neglect), here is a fun, slightly crazy, holiday story I wrote awhile back.
* * *
I walked up
and down the aisles of Walgreens, passing shelves full of office supplies,
over-the-counter drugs, and candy bars. Nope, nope and no. The turkey baster had
to be here somewhere.
I
backtracked to the center aisle, hoping to stumble upon the holiday section
from there. The obnoxious toddler was still opening singing Birthday cards in
the Hallmark aisle, and an older man in sweatpants surreptitiously stuffed a
diet coke into his pocket. Finally, I spotted the brown and red tuft of a toy
turkey poking out from behind the cheap T-shirt stand.
I
turned the corner and stopped short. The lone turkey that I thought led to my
Thanksgiving utensil, was surrounded by a red, green, and white explosion of
tinsel and plush. Smiling Santas jeered at me from all angles. Fake snow fell
down from the ceiling. Candy canes lined the shelves like Nazi prison guards.
And
my toy turkey that had filled me with hope only moments before? It was just
that…a turkey. Stuffed into the corner. Overtaken by Christmas cheer. Forgotten
before I even had a chance to celebrate its designated holiday.
A
Walgreen’s employee walked by me, outfitted in the navy blue vest with a “Hello
my name is…” sticker above the front pocket.
“Um,
excuse me. Hello?” I said, waving my hands in front of him. He looked surprised
to find another person in this god-forsaken aisle.
“Can
I help you find anything?" he asked. "Maybe show you to the stocking stuffers? We are
having a sale on mini-hand sanitizers. They’re ginger-bread scented.”
I
shuddered at the thought of hands that smelled like cookies. Gross. “Well, no,
not exactly. I’m actually looking for a turkey baster.”
“Turkey
baster? But that’s Thanksgiving merchandize.”
“Well,
yeah. Considering tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I assumed you would carry it.”
A
short laugh escaped his lips, like he thought I was joking. When I didn’t follow
up with the punch line, he grew serious. “We got rid of those weeks ago. Around
Halloween.”
“Halloween?
But then what did you do with the Halloween candy, if you were selling turkey
basters?”
“Halloween
candy was sold out back in September.” He had crossed his arms in front of his
chest, obviously growing impatient.
“But…but…turkey
basters? In Halloween?”
“Look,
if you don’t need anything, I’ll just be go—”
“Need
anything? I need my turkey baster!”
“Sorry
miss.” He brushed past me, probably going to rearrange some jingling ornaments
on a fake tree.
I
stood in the middle of the aisle, unsure of what to do. Obviously it was some
kind of conspiracy. They probably had Easter egg sales for New Year’s. My God.
I
turned back to look at the discarded toy turkey. The left wing had been torn
off, and one of its eyes was holding on by a string. Poor thing.
Underappreciated and overlooked.
The
soundtrack of “White Christmas” emanating from a singing snowman brought me
back to my senses. It was maddening.
And
I wasn’t going to stand for it.
After
quickly checking over my shoulder for on-lookers, I crept over to the snow
globes. Happy prancing reindeer were frolicking under the sparkling snow. I
picked up one, held it for a second, and let it drop. The glass shattered
against the tiled floor, snow globe juice oozing out. It felt good.
I
swiped the counter clean of the snow globes, relishing in the deafening crack
as each one hit the floor. And I didn’t stop there. I ripped the tinsel out of
their packages, ripped the heads off stuffed Santas, shot candy canes like
darts at the far wall.
The Walgreen’s employee, who was so helpful before, came running up the
aisle. “Are you crazy?!” he shouted.
I
let out a crazed laugh, chocolate snowflake in one hand and the singing snowman
in the other.
The
employee had spotted the snowman. It still spit out Christmas carols in a
preppy voice.
“What...what
are you going to do?” the employee asked, hands stretched toward me.
“His
white Christmas is about to be brown.” I unwrapped the snowflake. The chocolate
was slightly melted from sitting under florescent lights all day.
“No!
Wait!”
It
was too late. I smashed the chocolate into the snowman’s face, rubbing it in to
its plush features. I held it high up over my head, for the whole store to see.
“Revenge!”
I scream. “Turkey revenge!”
* * *
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! (And to all a good night!)
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