Micro Madness

Another quarter has come and gone, and while in some cases I thank the Lord that my classes are over (hint hint: Archaeology), there are some classes that I wish I could continue with. One in particular that comes to mind is MIC 101: Introduction to Microbiology. (And here’s where my inner bio nerd emerges).

Not only is the subject fascinating (at least to me…there are probably many people who would like to kill it with fire), but the Professor was fantastic! Ever have that one teacher who is really interested in his field of study, and actually likes to teach others? This would be my Professor, except he is ten times more easy-going and entertaining. And this guy has done everything from being a flight attendant to working the Olympic games as a “bouncer” (and eventually he became a Microbiologist…obviously).

Anyway, what I love about him is his ability to bring humor into his lectures, labs and even his tests. And I think it is safe to say that people remember jokes much better than straight facts.

So as a tribute to the awesome-ness that was my MIC 101 class/Professor, I’ve stockpiled a few of his famous quotes from the class Lab Manual and Midterm questions. My Professor writes everything himself (which is why every other word in the quotes will be capitalized…don’t ask me why he does it, he just does) and you don’t have to know something about Microbiology to laugh out loud.

Without further ado, I present to you my list of “Micro Madness” (and believe me, there are many more quotes that I have not listed here…these are just the best). And hey, maybe you’ll learn something along the way…

Lab Manual Guidelines

“We know you’re from The Bay Area, that you Father owns The Bahamas, and that you grew-up with Live-In Maid Service. But this is MIC 101 and we’re not paid to clean-up after you.”

“Individual Petri Plates do not need to be taped shut. Gravity has proven to be quite reliable in all of our Incubators.”

“Prometheus stole Fire from Zeus for you, so put it to good Use.”

“If your Microscope is not being kept Clean and you’re doing your part, call you TA over prior to storing you Microscope. Your TA can then vouch for your Clean-Up and can initiate a Search for the Guilty Party – and then we’ll take them down the Hall and throw them against that big Window a few Times until they realize the Error of their Ways.”

“Wind the cord neatly between the Binocular Eyepieces…Whoopie-Ti-Yi-Yo Lariat Style. What! You’ve never ridden a Horse? Then, Dude, wind it like you’d wind your Vacuum Cleaner Cord.”

“That’s how we did it BC (before Calculators).”

“It’s kind of like how after being molested by an Apple Tree, kidnapped by Flying Monkeys, and traumatized by The Wicked Witch of the West, Dorothy learns from The Witch of the North that she really didn’t have to experience any of these stressful Events. ‘You always had the Ruby Slippers.’ If you were Dorothy wouldn’t you want to haul-off and punch Glinda’s Lights out? But I digress.”

“A Colony of Bacteria is like an American City. In the Outer Suburbs at the Edges of the Colony, the bacteria have Access to lots of Nutrients so they’re adding a Redwood Deck in their Back Yards, taking their Kids to Soccer Practice in the Lexus RX 400h, and enjoying Sunday Afternoon Rides along the Hike-n-Bike Nature Trails. These are Happy bacteria…But in the Inner City at the Center of the Colony, the bacteria have depleted just about all the Nutrients. Life is Rough. There are Half-Empty Steel Reserve 211 Malt Liquor 40s in the Streets. They’ve got Serious Problems with Drugs, Drive-By Shootings and Teen Pregnancy. These are not Happy Bacteria.”

“If you do not pass this Oral Quiz the First Time we’ll give you another Chance. If you don’t pass the Oral Quiz the Second Time, we’ll call your Mother and tell her you’re just too Dumb to get a [college] degree. This will undoubtedly break her Heart but that’s not our Problem.”

“STOP! You have landed on a ‘Take an Oral Quiz’ Square. Answer me these Questions Three, ere The Ground Beast Sample you’ll see.”

“Please return this Ruler before you leave the Lab. Otherwise sometime very, very early Tomorrow Morning your Bedroom Lights are going to snap ‘On’ and Angela is going to be standing at the Foot of your Bed asking, ‘OK, Buster. Where is it?’”

“If you ask for the Wrong Biochemical Test Media we’ll announce this over a Portable Megaphone to the entire Lab. Everyone will point at you and laugh. You will be immensely Traumatized; so much so that you’ll give up on ever getting a [college] Degree and end-up working as a Night Shift Cashier at the Flying J Truck Plaza in Winnemucca, Nevada. You don’t want this to happen. It’s just too Awful for Words.”

“The Biochemical Tests are kind of like asking your Lab Partner if they have a Pet with Fur or a Pet with Feathers; then asking if their Pet is a Herbivore or a Carnivore. Just those two Questions could distinguish four very different Pets: a Dwarf Rabbit, a Siamese Cat, a Canary and an Owl.

Does it have Fur or does it have Feathers? (It has Feathers)

Is it an Herbivore or is it a Carnivore? (it’s a Carnivore)

Sometimes we’ll ask an additional Question to really nail-down an ID:

Does it reliably deliver Mail to Hogwarts? (Sometimes)

OK, it must be Errol.”

Test Questions

(and these are all from actual questions on his midterms)

#17) The staccato Tap, Tap Tapping of Jimmy Choos precedes the Appearance of Our Evil Scientist in her Lab Assistant Carl’s Office Door. Carl – a former East German Olympic Gold Medal Swimmer – was making Reservations for a Weekend Getaway at Point Reyes. His Thumbs pause in Mid-Air over his beloved iPhone with its Pikachu Skin.

“I certainly hope I’m not interrupting any Weekend Plans,” Our Evil Scientist hisses, “But I’d really like you to bring me the Overheads to use in my Monday Presentation on Gram Negative Bacterial Cell Wall Structure. And I’d really like you to do it no. And I do mean right now.” Grabbing Carl’s iPhone from his Hands she intones, “Bring the Overheads to my Office when you want it back, Speedo.”

And with that, the staccato Tap, Tap, Tapping of Jimmy Choos – along with Carl’s beloved iPhone – recedes down the Hallway. Carl sighs. But then he high-ho’s himself off to work.

**Please check your Scantron for Idiotic Mistakes**

You have just answered Question 17.

#23) Our Evil Scientist asks Carl to make Batches of two different Media. Carl is busy sorting the Overheads she requested earlier and mouths her Words while making a mocking Face. He belatedly realizes the Our Evil Scientist can see this Pantomime reflected in the Lab Cabinet Window. Oops.

They lock Eyes, Reflection to Reflection, as she speaks very slowly and very distinctly and very menacingly: “Do – it – now – Speedo…Or – I – will – wax – your – Legs.”

Carl does a Wilhelm. He does not ever want to experience that again and he immediately decides that sorting the Overheads can wait.

**Please check your Scantron for Point Mutations or Frameshifts**

You have just answered Question 23.

#25) Our Evil Scientist asks her Lab Assistant Carl to make two different Batches of Media and to use these Media to simultaneously isolate both Aerobic and Microaerophilic Bacteria.

“The last Lab Assistant who tried to simultaneously isolate Aerobic and Microaerophilic Bacteria for me did not succeed. So I keyed his brand new shiny Dyno Blue Pearl Honda Civic Si Coupe. Iʼve noticed your brand new shiny Black Sapphire Metallic BMW 335i Coupe in the Parking Lot. You wouldn’t want anything to happen to it, would you?”

No, Carl does not want anything to happen to his brand new shiny Black Sapphire Metallic BMW 335i Coupe. Definitely not. He does not enjoy hearing any of Our Evil Scientist’s horrific and all too plausible Scenarios.

“Then let’s hop to it, Speedo!”

Quick like a Bunny Carl goes to the Lab Computer to look-up the Recipes for Our Evil Scientist’s Media

**Please check your Scantron for Boneheaded Mistakes**

You have just answered Question 25.

#26) “Why would a Demonstrator in Tahrir Square be wearing Jimmy Choos?”

The Screen on Carl’s MacBook Air slaps shut and the all-too Live Image of Our Evil Scientist replaces the Live Internet Feed from Al Jazeera that Carl had been watching. They lock Eyes for a few tense Seconds. Then Out Evil Scientist speaks.

“I’ve been going over the Lab Grants and there just might not be enough Money for two Business Class Seats – 6A and 6B – for the 15 Hour and 45 Minute SFO-DXB Flight for our Conference in Dubai. So I might have to put one of us in Coach. Seat 50F – a Non-Reclining Bulkhead Seat in the Middle of the last Row of the Emirates 777-300ER – is still available. But don’t worry, the Return DXB-SFO Flight is only 15 Hours and 30 Minutes.”

Our Evil Scientist smiles with an Expression indicating that she isn’t overwhelmed with Sympathy and Compassion for Carl’s Plight.

“Oh, I almost forgot. Can you remember if all Yersinia Strains are Virulent? In you can, maybe I could come up with Funds to keep you in Seat 6B.”

Sixteen Hours in a Middle Seat in Coach that doesn’t recline?!? Yes, you bet Carl can remember!

* * *

Thanks for all the laughs, Professor! You made the many hours spent studying worthwhile.